No more wasted time.......

One of the hardest things for me is to open up....admitting a need is almost like death for me. Growing up, I always felt poked and prodded to find out "where I was at" but in the end, I felt like it mattered very little.

Women have always been a bigger influence on me, with the exception of a few good men. I thought losing my grandmother several years ago was one of the worst things that could happen. She was one of the few who knew the life I had lived and loved me and encouraged me. Because of certain things in my childhood, I grew up fearing the loss of a very important person. Times have changed and my circumstances have as well, but this nagging fear has yet to elude me.

Jess is probably the only one that knows this but every time we have had a child, I get nauseatingly sick with worry. Is it spiritual or Christ-like? Well, it is what it is and no one can walk around without concerns or worry 100% of the time and if they say they do, well, I will let them work that out on there own. For me, it is yet to happen. One thing life has taught me is that just because we trust Christ, we are not exempt from the trials and tribulations in this life. Thankfully, we are held during these times and those times will not go undredeemed. However, they come and we must face them. No one expected us to go through everything that we went through with Elli but we did. Everyone would love to hope that nothing bad would ever happen to us again, but let's face it, we live in the real world. I appreciate the, "Everything is going to be just fine, God wouldn't make you go through anything like that again" comments but I have yet to find out where that is really scripturally accurate. The Bible says we are at war and the enemy doesn't care what we have been through- in fact, he knows our weaknesses and wants to make the most of them. Thankfully, we have a Saviour that loves us and carries us through and He will have the last word.

This is probably the most transparent I have ever been in my life with everyone, or anyone that would read this, at the same time. So yeah, I get extremely worried when Jess is about to deliver. With Corban, I was down on the floor crying asking God not to take her- her labor was gruesome, to say the least. With Judah, I invited my parents back into our lives. In the words of Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman, "Big mistake, HUGE!". I should have learned long ago my intentions will do little for someone else's action or my own indescretion. With Elli, well, I was so freaked out anyway, God definitely took control and poured out His spirit lavishly. So, here we are now, twins.

I know I am starting a bunch of topics and leaving them open, hopefully, I will tie it up in a sec. School for me last year was a total flop. This year I have felt the pressure of coming back and doing what I did the first year here. I have spent a lot of time studying this semester but my emotion and anxieties are beginning to take their toll. After losing Elli, we kind of woke up and realized how short this life is and how precious every moment is with everyone. Every conversation, every laugh, every tear, every fear. Through all of these things we learn more about ourselves, about our loved ones and we learn more about who God is.

My sole purpose in writing this is not to ask for comments. I don't need anyone to cheer me on. I need people who love us to pray for us. I know a lot of people are already and we thank you. I can't put life on hold to sit and enjoy every second.....I have already thought about doing that, prospect of staying in school and doing well, yeah, they don't look fair if I do that. If you read this and are going through similar circumstances, great or small in your eyes, and you want to share, feel free to email me. Alternatively, please remember us in prayer. This concern I have seems to be hitting everyone in our family and I think it is wearing us all down individually. We know who holds today and tomorrow and we know it will be okay- eternally. Everything will work out the way it should and nothing will be lost or unredeemed but please pray for the health of my entire growing family. Please pray that I can focus in my studies and that my time spent studying is productive.

Thanks everyone.

Redeemed

When Jess and I were sitting in the room where they did the first ultrasound of this pregnancy, one of the first things that came to mind was the word "Redemption". Such a great word isn't it? Who doesn't want to be redeemed. Selah's new cd, "You Deliver Me", finally came out. One of the reasons it was delayed in part was due to the song Redeemed. I am so grateful it was. I really needed this song and the meaning behind it. Much more than that, the Lord knew, for me, it was one of the only things I would listen to right now.

Just as everyone else has thought that Asher and Adlai are a "replacement" for Elli, I have thought the same thing. Until now. But really, is there any Biblical basis for this? Does God really remove one human soul, replace it with two "other" human souls as a replacement and further, as a form of Redemption? I sure hope not. I don't think there is any validation of that. We might choose to make it into that but I don't believe it is so.

God is all about taking what is old, shattered, battered, beaten beyond repair.....into something new, something with more worth, renewed worth that won't fade, than it had before. Something that will bear His likeness and will give that same life with every breath. We are still in our day to day lives but He is doing something in us that we don't see, something that hasn't been fulfilled, something that hasn't been fully restored, but that He and only He can redeem. God is so good.

We have all been there, to some degree or another. We all have worn hearts, aching, in need of completeness. We can't see what tomorrow holds. We can't see the other heartaches that ly just around the corner but we know that there is redemption for those pieces broken. I hope this song means as much to you as it does to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TC01HuKZRI&feature=PlayList&p=8388E2EAE842BB28&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=41

Looking ahead.....

The last few days have been hard to say the least. Jess is very tired, two years of pregnancy has a way of wearing one down, neither of which have been "normal"..... Going back to school has been difficult psychologically. "Can I do it?", "Can I pull out of the state of defeat I seem to stay in?" are always on my mind. Then, the third week of school. Remembering what we experienced last year and not being able to hold that little life again for a time to come. We know all of the spiritual sayings, "You've got two blessings on the way", "You'll see her again one day", "God took one away so He could give you two"....... I won't say much about those comments b/c I know that the best of intentions comes with each comment. The only comment that seems to provide any comfort is, "She is with Jesus, she plays at his feet and rests in His lap". That is about the only comfort we have aside from the fact that we will see her again one day.

So, last few days, depression and oppression. I am sick of it. I am sick of being defeated, downtrodden, and most of all I am sick of not living in the hope that lives with-frikkin'-in-me. I am sick of not waking up in the middle of the night to talk with the One in whom my hopes ly. I am sick of the enemy winning all of the little battles. Music ministers to me greatly. Nothing can take me to the feet of Jesus like music. Selah's new CD came out last week. I have yet to get it but will soon, like as soon as we get a chance to go to a town big enough that actually has it. The song "Unredeemed" and "You deliver Me"--amazing songs. I am once again reminded that I may be here in a world that wants us to feel alone, defeated, and unredeeemed......but that is not the case. I am not alone, we are not alone, we are not defeated, and we are so redeemed! I would imagine the anticipation Jesus feels when He thinks about coming to get His own. I can't wait for that day and I can't wait to sit at his feet and praise Him for all He has done, does, and continues to do.

He delivers us, redeems us, and loves us.....against all odds, in light of all the sin, in light of the many times we reject Him- He comes through time and time again!

New days ahead.....

It has been forever since I have written a post on here. This summer and last year has flown by so fast. So much has happened that has broken our hearts and in the deeper sense, we know more and more that our home is not here.

Spiritually, we have been utter wrecks. Somedays we feel like caring about things and others, we are just here. We got a major surprise in May when we had our first ultrasound and it was discovered that we were having twins. Such a blessing, such a story of redemption. We have heard all of the congrats and are very appreciative, "God called your baby home and gave you two in her place". Sometimes, people say things that are so true but our hearts are so heavy and in such disarray that we can't see through the pain. But, two babies, two baby girls....how can those little lives be anything but a blessing. I don't think they were given in place of Elli, rather, just an additional blessing. Nothing can take the place of our little girl!!

We were in the Christian bookstore over the weekend and I stumbled across this little grave ornament that said, "You are loved!". I about couldn't keep it, emotions, in check. It's like sometimes I forget is okay to still miss her and love her. Moving on is such a necessary but hard thing to do. So, this is getting way to deep and emotional but such is life........

It has seemed the assumption that Judah doesn't get what was missing when Elli passed. You know, being a parent of small children, we now understand why Jesus was so set on children not being kept away from Him. Sometimes in our ignorance, we assume that children just "don't" get it when, in fact, sometimes they are the only one's who do get it. Judah. Such a wild and crazy kid but such a lover. We went to a birthday party at a waterpark recently. Let me tell you, that little boy is such a shepherd when it comes to little girls. Everyone thought that he was "sweet" on them. This one family, they had a little girl who was probably 18 months old. Judah followed her around everywhere. She started to walk out of the park, he stood infront of her. She went to fall down, he was there to help her up. She looked at him, he got down on his knees and smiled at her. Sometimes, I can't help but think the Lord does the same thing with us. Just when everyone thinks he doesn't get it, Judah is right there showing that he knows what he is missing out on and he wants it back so badly. Just when we think He doesn't get it, He shows us through something so simple that He does get it and He hasn't left our side.

Our family friend and constant support, Aunt Sarah helped Corban make a gift for all of us for the baby shower. Corban drew picutres of her family. She drew her PawPaw, Grammy, Me, Jess(with a round belly, lol), Corban, Judah, Elli, the twins(Asher and Adlai) and then she went on to draw Grandmother Connie and Papa Charlie. We sit down and read, not often enough, but we do. Without failing, we always read a book that is covered in good morals and virtue. It never fails, we look to see who it was from and it was from Grandma Connie and PaPa Charlie. It is amazing how quickly children learn the value of relationships. Corban drew what and who was important to her. Such a sweet girl. I am including a pic from one of the t-shirts.

I guess in the end, I have learned a lot from my kids. To keep loving and keep remembering what was and is to come.......it isn't over yet. We still have work to do and throwing in the towel just yet isn't an option for them and it isn't an option for us either.

Lots of love from the Hutchersons!

Jessica, Jeremiah, Corban, Judah, Elli, Asher, and Adlai

(never thought I'd write that many names out for our family)

Two heads are better than one......

First of all, we have to apologize for not updating the blog sooner to let everyone know that Jess is pregnant. Jess was a little freaked out about letting everyone know until the ultrasound. While I can keep others' secrets, I cannot keep my own- AT ALL! I have been excited from day one. Jess has been also but has been very sick and has also been battling a lot of mixed emotions which is completely normal and understandable.

So, Jess is pregnant. She has been sick. She has puked almost every day to ever other day. It has eased up a little but but now she is extremely exhausted. On Monday of this week, we went in for the first ultrasound. They wanted to do one early to see if they could see the kidneys, bladder, and all that stuff. When the sonographer put the little deal on her belly, this was the first image we saw. Yes, that would be two heads you see there. I saw it but was trying to figure out exactly what in the you know what we were seeing. I knew but was wanting someone to confirm that I wasn't seeing two of what I thought I was seeing. Mind you, the lady had not moved the deal at all! I looked at Jess, she looked FREAKED OUT! She asked the sonographer, "Is that what I think it is?" The sonographer replied, "Yes it is, there are two babies!" Since there is no history of twins, on Jess' side especially, there was no reason to suspect twins. Everyone was completely shocked.

It was so cool because we were in the same room we were in when Elli's diagnosis was confirmed. That was the room in which we had our first major breakdown. This time, our doom was turned to joy, well maybe a little more SHOCK than joy at the moment. However, one thing that came to mind was, He sure showed us. What an amazing, loving, compassionate, considerate, restoring, forgiving, merciful, and absolutely wonderful God we serve. We didn't ask for Elli. We didn't ask for the lot that was handed. We loved her like we love Corban and Judah. We held her and with the help and love of everyone we know, consecrated her to the One who imagined her, formed her, carried her until we could hold her, and who so lovingly without physical pain took her to His side! This time last year we were in one of the darkest treks of our life and this year we are tasting the redemption that we were to weak to ask for, too scared to think about, but so desperately needed. We truly don't know what to ask for but He does know what we need. We in our efforts to prevent this, used two forms of birth control. To quote Jess, "He sure showed us, we doubled the control and He doubled the number of babies we are having."

Incase anyone is wondering. We were on the same birth control but Jess hadn't been on it very long when we got pregnant with Elli. So, we thought it was that. She was having trouble with the old one before Elli, so after her, she just went back on the same thing. It worked for a few months......... The other day, the sonographer told us that Yaz is one of the bc's that people always get pregnant while taking. My response, "Why in the hell don't they tell people this, that is why she takes the stuff!".

Well, that is about it for now. Twins. Never thought we would have a baby pass and I sure as heck thought there was less of a chance of us having TWO babies at the same time.

Sorry it has taken so long for everyone to find out but it has been weird the last couple of months and busy!

OH......lol.....we never knew what they tell you when you are having more than one while doing an ultrasound.......Baby A and Baby B. "A" is on the bottom and "B" is on the top.

I will post some more pics, I hate the format of these blogs and I can't figure it out to save my life!

A Father's love.......

9When they came to the place of which God had told him, Abraham built the altar there and laid the wood in order and bound Isaac his son and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. 10Then Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to slaughter his son. 11But the angel of the LORD called to him from heaven and said, "Abraham, Abraham!" And he said, "Here am I." 12He said, "Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me." Genesis 22

If there is one thing this last year has taught me it is this, faith is imparted. Among many other little things, that I may know some about but have not mastered, lol, trusting the Father with our children is a very intense, sometimes heartwrenching but it always has a rewarding outcome. We usually don't always equate the outcome as being rewarding when the chips don't fall the way we would particularly like them to fall.

It is amazing how when God gives you faith to believe something, He may not give you all of the specifics but in you "inner man" He gives you a pretty good idea of how it is going to go down. I picked up on this earlier in Genesis 22, as I am sure everyone else already has:

4On the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes and saw the place from afar. 5Then Abraham said to his young men, "Stay here with the donkey; I and the boy will go over there and worship and come again to you."

I am sure some would say that Abraham was talking about just himself returning again but really? I mean what parent would speak so calmly about making a trek to slay their own child, only child (with Sarah) they had prayed so long to conceive? Unless, he had something so much more overwhelming going on inside of him. Something that was beyond the realm of the physical that captavated his heart and took his attention from getting his own son the heck out of there.

If we look at the Bible with only our physical eyes, what a bunch of crazy stuff. What Abraham entered was an intitiation. An initiation where God spoke a plan, Abraham listened and obeyed, and God came through. The fact that it was something sooooo profound and so heartwrenching only seemed that way for those of us that view it with the physical eyes. When viewing it with our hearts, hearts that have been redeemed, we see a glorious picture of a Father loving His son and coming through the way fathers should- teaching trust and obedience with a reward on the other end.

Lately, Jess and I have been distraught to say the least. We have so taken our eyes off of what is most important. We have set our focus short. We have set our focus on what is next to come here on earth instead of allowing the King of Kings to parent us the way He did Abraham. I can tell you from experience......I have felt more lonely in the last six months than I did the day Elli died and the few months thereafter. There is a peace that He gives that goes beyond any understanding here on earth.

People could look at our lives and pick it apart in 100 different ways, I am sure we could do the same. In the end, all that really matters is what is going on in our hearts because that is what comes out of the flesh.

Still missing you......

So, most days I try to stay positive and try to just be at peace. Jess and the kids left to go to Mountain Home for a baby shower today. I spent the morning doing some laundry and then went to study for a bit. When I got home, I don't know what happened. I got to missing our little girl. I went to look for the video slide show and coudn't hardly look for it I was crying so hard.

I found her little foot prints that we did. Now I can't stop crying. This sucks so bad. I know she is fine but I just can't get over how badly it hurts sometimes. I don't think I am normal.

I know she is in heaven. I am not worried for one second about her well being but our's....... I remember standing there with her. I was so paralyzed, I couldn't even pick her up b/c I was scared she would stop breathing. I couldn't even talk to her and I don't know why. All I could do was touch her. I didn't get to hold her up and just love on her until after she was gone. I have felt the loss of love before but never anything like this before.

This just sucks, no other way to put it. I am not happy with the circumstances. I am not happy she is gone. I am not happy that Judah has to tell people that his little sister is in the sky with Jesus. I am sick of seeing the pictures where Corban's heart is breaking. I am sick of the fact that Jess and I can't even be happy about the day we had b/c we miss her so badly.

I am so freaked out in school right now. I still haven't been able to pull it together. I have lost all respect for myself and fell like I have just screwed up everything we all have worked hard to get to at this point. I am hoping things will turn around by the fall. So, enough of the pitty party, huh? I know this is just part of it and I don't wish it on anyone, though I know we are so not alone. But this is one cup that I wish had've passed us up.

To actually hear her you may have to pause the music player....